If (Dave Wallace with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)
If you can lose your head when all around you are keeping theirs
If you can remember that you have children but can’t quite recall their names
If you become irrationally angry when a leather button falls off your Arran cardigan
If you have an Arran cardigan
If you find yourself standing at the top of the stairs without the slightest idea as to why you are there and can’t even remember after you’ve walked down the stairs and back up again
If you occasionally find yourself talking in an animated fashion to your cat about the strange behaviour of women
If you support a football team that is so bad that you are pleased when they keep the goals scored against down to single figures in any one game
If you have mornings when you sleepily put cat biscuits in your cereal bowl and only fail to eat them because there isn’t enough milk and they’re a “bit dry”
If you frequently get the wash basket in the bathroom and the toilet mixed up with horrific results for both the toilet, the wash basket and your clothes
If you have been photographed on a squash court looking like someone who didn’t quite make it through the preliminary auditions for the Village People
If you think that those electric stair lifts look quite good actually and find yourself lingering too long over Dame Thora Hird’s ankles
If you don’t know what all the fuss is about – policemen have looked young for years
If you spend most of your time on the squash court of a Friday night talking about squash (or anything else) rather than ruining the evening by getting all hot and sweaty
If you feel massive empathy for Homer Simpson and can’t see why Marge keeps going on at him
If you are shocked to find that there are people alive who can vote that were born after England won the World Cup
If the words “let’s have an early night, the moon makes me feel all romantic” fill you with dread
If you think that sex is useful for making babies but you don’t see why there’s any need to do it when you’re not trying to make babies and if you do have to do it why it should last longer than a minute, especially when there’s football to be watched on the telly
If you can manage to get undressed in the dark and reverse into bed at 6 o’clock on a Saturday morning, full of Famous Grouse and IPA, without either disturbing your partner or noisily dropping all of your loose change down the stairs
If you can manage to appear wide awake at 8 o’clock on the same Saturday morning and claim to have had “a really good night’s sleep” and to be “looking forward to spending the morning pushing a trolley around Sainsbury’s”
If your idea of a rigorous pre-season squash training programme is to lay off the lager and drink bitter “because it’s a bit heavier and lifting the glass will help develop my forearm”
If you have to stick Post-It notes on the steering wheel of your car to remind you of where you work and what it is you do when you get there
If you have to stick Post-It notes on your bed side table to remind you to go to your car so that you can read the Post-It notes on the steering wheel
If you see a female streaker with a perfectly formed body running towards you waving her arms in the air and the first thought that crosses your mind is “I wonder what her parents would think if they saw her doing this”
If you think that Penelope Cruz looks “a bit scrawny” because you like your women to be a bit more “substantial”
If you can say all of these things and still feel the urge to ring your mother to proudly tell her that Brian’s made a reference to you in the latest Newsletter, then, and only then, can you truly say that you are a complete PRAT my son.
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