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Dear PRAT

This is just a bit of a quickie, lads. Building upon the huge and enthusiastic response to the social programme outlined in the last Newsletter, the ever diligent social committee - has surpassed itself yet again. They have only come up with a whole new concept for Prats, that's all. "Concept" Heady stuff for us.

No, no, credit where it's due. The "concept" is to have a celebration at the right time. Now, I know that will take a while to sink in, what with Christmas Bar B Q's in July and all, but, yeah, hey, what a great idea. I don It know why we didn't think of it before.

Consequently, we shall be, having a Christmas, New Year, millennium night at Christmas, New Year, Millennium. Well, not all of them, but all rolled into one as it were. So here's the SP.

The date is Friday, 17th. December. The form will be, normal game of squash for the lads, followed by an emotional reunion with all of those dear lady Prats who can be present for a Grand Christmas Buffet at the Motte and Bailey. Thereafter, the Diel Tak The Hindmaest, as the General would say. (Roughly translated as "Aye" with a wink) Being Christmas of course, there will have to be presents. Prats love presents. I never f ail to be moved to tears when I see them clapping their little pink hands together in eager anticipation of that golden moment when Santa calls out their names and they step forward to receive that treasured gift. (S'cuse me, my bottom lip seems to be trembling)

In any event, presents. The idea is that each couple brings two presents and each single person brings one present, all to be put under the Christmas tree, to be distributed to other couples or single persons. No, we have thought of that, you will just have to make sure that you recognise your wrapping paper so that you are not given back your own present. (And why not? I'd quite like to get my present back) OK, well here's why not. Cos the presents have to be the cheapest, naffest merchandise you can find anywhere on the planet. If you remember we trialled this particular strategy at Two Bounce's Hundredth Birthday Party to hilarious effect. -- So, does that take care of the afters?

Right, a word on the preceding squash games. They will be fancy dress, obviously. A word of caution though. They will be normal competitive games so suits of armour, recycled dustbin men etc. might be a tad restricting. Also, no black soles on the courts, lads. (That puts paid to my Sammy Davis Jnr then!)

I shall book all f our courts so that there should be minimal need for embarrassed explanation to other squash playing colleagues.

So, to sum up.

For the gentlemen, fancy dress squash at 7.15pm with a small prize for the best fancy dress. Squash as usual, well, as usual as it gets in fancy dress. Shit, shower, shave, as ever, replace fancy dress if it has survived. Re-assemble and meet the ladies at the Motte for the Grand Buffet at about 9pm.

For the ladies, assemble at the Motte for cocktails at about 8.30pm. Fancy dress would be nice (but not obligatory) so that the lads didn't feel complete Prats. In due course the presents will be exchanged. We are trying to book Santa for this but it is obviously a pretty heavy time of year for him although we have high hopes. If not, Jonathan Woss.

As to costs, the squash will be £3 as usual, £187.50 for those in civvies. The Grand Motte Buffet will be a laughable £7.50 per head. (S'cuse me, Ed. what will be laughable, the price or the Grand Buffet? Mark, make sure that woman gets an extra hot chicken vindaloo vol au vent.) Looking at that last sentence again, it has just occurred to me, bearing in mind the next day consequences, why vindaloos are called vinda loos. They've got it all figured out these foreign Johnnys.

Right, have we covered everything? What's that, Auntie Molly? Normal squash, normal Prats? What can I say? Ten players out the other night. All four courts in action. Eight for the apres squash dinner. Negotiations for the late night malts tastings at the Motte almost complete. Say no more. Strength to strength and all that.

So, I shall be phoning week commencing 29th. November for final names for the Christmas, New Year, Millennium bash all as described above. Really, can you miss it? Be there or be square.

In the meantime,

See yah Friday

Your old mate

Brian

This was another Prats Production

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